I’m typing these words right now thanks to coffee. Without a morning mug, basic actions like talking, thinking and tweeting are impossible, so getting out of bed becomes entirely pointless.
If you don’t drink coffee, there are only two possible conclusions. Either you’re completely non-functional as a human being—are you a politician?—or you very soon will be. One too many early mornings and I guarantee you’ll be doomed to a life of grumpiness and immobility.
To avert this impending catastrophe, you must start drinking coffee immediately. In fact, even if you already drink coffee, you should up the dosage for safety’s sake. But if you needed any more motivation beyond being a human, here are six important reasons to become a beanhead.You can’t carry a tea with pride.
See that businesswoman powering down the street, latte-to-go in one hand and briefcase in the other? She’s important. If it were merely a tea she was carrying, you’d sense it. You’d know she’s a faker and can’t cope with coffee. She’d know you know, too; shame would fill her mind, doubt would creep into her step, and her briefcase would fall open onto the pavement. Secret paperwork strewn everywhere, life ruined. Don’t ruin your life. Drink coffee.
You’ll become rough, worldly and important.
Collar askew, hair ruffled, stubble thick; it’s a Monday morning at the office. “God, I’m gasping for a coffee,” you pronounce. At that moment, you go from a slightly moist nobody to an edgy, dark dependent, deep with layers and rich with power. Raises, promotions, and a company Ferrari will soon be yours. “Golly, I could rather do with a smoothie” won’t even get you a parking space.
Where do the important decisions get made? In the seminar room? Over e-mail? Hah! Not a chance. In fact, every single important decision gets made while waiting for coffee at the cafe down the road. Nobody invites you on the outing because your beverage requirements aren’t complex enough to require a trip outside. But now you’re missing everything. If you were a coffee drinker, your next work trip would be to Singapore instead of Swindon.
You’ll look more productive.
Everyone knows that coffee equals work. It follows that the more times you’re seen wandering around with a fresh mug of joe, the more productive people will assume you are. Beware the opposite connotation: if you’re never seen with coffee, then it will quickly be assumed that you spend your days surfing for amusing cat videos on YouTube. With coffee, you can haz all the cat videos you want and nobody will be any the wiser.
Tea’s easy to make—bag in, swish swish, dunk dunk, bag out, weep—but coffee’s a different game entirely. How your hosts prepare the after-dinner pick-me-up is the ultimate measure of their worth in your social circle. An espresso machine gets some credit, but is trying too hard. A stovetop moka pot gets top marks. But a heaped teaspoon of instant? I’ll get my coat.
You’ll engender sympathy.
A long flight from Sydney to Los Angeles is nearing its end. Breakfast has just been served and the attendants are coming around with the tea and coffee trolley. You’ve got another flight to come, you’re tired, you’re ratty. “Oh, yes, coffee, please,” you mumble, staccato and grim. But cheer up: you’ve just said the magic words! Your need for coffee will be understood as a coded plea for help, resulting in instant sympathy and a guaranteed upgrade to first class on your next leg. Just make sure you sip and sigh dramatically before they leave earshot.
[Header image by Flickr/coffeegeek]